The puzzle piece that doesn't fit

There has probably been at least one moment for you when you felt like you didn't exactly "fit". Whether it was in high school, starting a new job, at a church, in your own family, or in the world in general. Sometimes it's wonderful that you don't fit! You stand out and are the beautiful rose among thorns. You are a light in the darkness. Other times, however, it feels more like being an outsider. You might be a weed in the garden, a swan among ducklings. You feel as though you're intruding, unwanted, or just utterly alone surrounded by millions of people. It's this that I'm talking about when I say I don't fit, this is how I find my place...

I was talking with a friend one night and I told her how I feel like I don't fit... I don't fit in the singles ward in my church, but I don't fit in the family ward. I don't fit with people my age and I don't fit with the older or younger generations either. I don't fit with the widows with kids, the widows of war heroes, or with the divorcés. I don't fit with the seasoned teachers and I don't fit with the newbies... I just don't fit. I don't have that calm reassurance that everything fits together, that I fit in this crazy unpredictable world. The peace that used to fill my days and nights no longer surrounds me... Why? Because a piece of my soul is gone from where he should be. Instead of holding the small children that should be in my arms; I'm left clasping my hands in prayer begging for normalcy.

As I try to see where I fit, especially with dating, I discover all the places where I would have fit... But because I have a past I'm not even given the chance to fit. I'm left wandering from hole to hole on the puzzle, hoping that one day I'll find that place where my puzzle piece will fit nicely. Until that day that I can be reunited with my other piece; when I can fit perfectly into the place God had been preparing for me since the beginning of my soul. So instead of places where I fit perfectly, I find places where I can fit. It may be tough going, but finding the places where I can have fun, I can be myself. Those are the moments when all the trying is worth it.

I have also started to discover that I am not a corner piece or a side piece where there are limited choices and the structure set. I am a middle piece with many different facets and parts that define me and who I am. Sometimes that means that the place where I am meant to fit hasn't been filled in yet and is just a blank canvas and I need to create or find the pieces that go around me to fill it. In life, when we don't fit we try new things; meet new people; interact more with coworkers, family, etc. so that we do fit. I slowly shape myself by changing and going through life, adapting, becoming better, and just overall becoming who I am meant to be. I also change the situations around me by talking with others creating relationships, getting help when I need it, going on adventures, literally changing where I'm at. I do all of this so that I can better help shape the world (and the puzzle) for the better filling in those blank spaces with joy, happiness, inclusion, and hard work.

I try puzzle piece after puzzle piece to find the ones that will match my corners and ridges. As one puzzle piece of a whole, I find it difficult and overwhelming sometimes, but it's ALWAYS worth it! Occasionally I find pieces that fit one side or another. I find friends, jobs, coworkers, puppies, houses, neighborhoods, wards, etc. that all fit with who I want to become. Other times I find pieces I want to fit and I change myself (or my puzzle piece) so that I can add that to my life. I might not fit all that I want to just yet, but one day I will... and when that day happens I will find that this hard part of my life helped define and give me the strength to get there. I have hope, I have determination, and I have the willpower to make that happen.

That's just it isn't it? The fact that I still have hope. I don't give up. The fact that I keep trying my puzzle piece in spot after spot in the puzzle, trying to match up my sides with others, not giving up just because the last 200 haven't worked. I have hope because I know that God has a plan for me, I know that one day everything will fit. This plan is essential for me to have hope, and for you to have hope in those dark moments. It gives you that peace that you long for and the strength to keep trying your puzzle piece. When the day happens for me, when everything finally fits together, I will know it's because I didn't give up when it was hard, even if I wanted to. So what are you going to do? How are you going to find the strength to persevere through the loneliness and hard times? What pieces have you found that do fit? Where are you going to place your puzzle piece in this crazy world?

Finding joy

By life being hard I find joy in every moment! I know what it's like to be at the bottom. I've been there I've faced the darkest parts of my mind that tell me how utterly worthless and useless I am. I know what it's like to feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is only a train coming to crush whatever hope and fight you had left. I know what it's like to think that no matter how many tomorrows there are it will never make up for how bad it is right now...

Right after my husband's death I lost all confidence in myself. I wanted so badly to just be with him. I felt ugly, unwanted, and so stupid. He had cheated on me... There must have been a reason... He killed himself, I must be to blame somehow.  What was so wrong with me? What was the point to all this struggle and trial. My friends didn't want to deal with me, my depression, how pathetic I was becoming. No one wanted to deal with stupid pathetic me. Everything was dark in my world, all that had once been was muted. Even though I was grateful I felt nothing, or I felt immense pain.

But I learned. I learned that even though I might not be happy, I can still feel joy. How incredible is that? The ability to feel joy and peace when the storm rages all around you! I can find joy in those struggles knowing I made it through so many yesterdays. I can find peace in knowing I can make it yet another day, even if I need to take it one breath at a time. I can find peace in the scriptures and the words of God. I can find joy in the knowledge that I am a daughter of a God and king.

My road to this peace and joy has not been an easy one. It never is, for anyone. For my journey, I started out hating myself, feeling empty, and wishing it would all just end. I had to claw my way back to any semblance of normal, let alone feeling peace or joy. That slowly came back into my life as I turned to my savior and I started to turn towards myself. I was challenged by a friend (Who also struggled with self-doubt and suicidal tendencies) to write one journal page a day of things that meet these requirements:

• It must be something positive about myself
• It must be something I haven't yet written
• It must be something I believed, not something I've already dismissed as people being nice
• Must be a full journal page (approximately 32 things a day)

This lasted about 2 weeks, but do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with 32 unique things about yourself? After about 64 they get super detailed.

I went from believing this:

To believing this:

Stronger than most
Wants best for others
Good hand writing
Analytical thinker...

The difference was almost instant. I felt better about myself. I moved forward I felt more confident... I worked so hard and I had come so far and I remembered for a moment to look back, to see how far I'd come. I now find joy in the beauty of my mind. I find joy in the simple way the clouds look in the morning or how the flowers still bloom. I find joy and peace in the way the world seems so calm when looking at the stars. I love this new profound sense of beauty that came from taking a few days in my life to realize that I was pretty incredible. I had forgotten that, it was nice to remember.

Now to my readers. Do you know how incredible you are? Do you know that you are a child of a God, who is always willing to stand by you? He wants to help give you the strength you feel you lack. If you don't feel God's presence, then take a moment. Take up the challenge. Tell yourself all the things you do that you like, even if it's just one thing.You have the power to make that grow. You are strong; otherwise you wouldn't be here. You are incredible! Thank you so much for being you! I hope that you can find this joy and settling peace in your life. I promise it's there, I promise you can find it!

Life is Hard... Isn't It Great?!

Something I've discovered over and over again is that even though life is hard, it makes me strong. I may hate the struggle, I may hate the fact that others choices affect me, and I might hate the pain; but I love the growth, I love the increase in understanding, and I definitely love the strength!

I've had so many people tell me "Shae, you're so strong." But I don't feel like that. I feel like I just do what anyone would do when you lose your spouse, or discover those you trust have betrayed you. I move forward and I don't give up. I refuse to be a victim of my circumstances. I refuse to become a shell of a person controlled by what is expected or by emotions of anger and betrayal. I am not strong... But that doesn't mean I don't have strength. I find strength in my friends, religion, family, and God. I find strength all around me... But I definitely find strength in the fact that I'm still here. I find strength in the fact that every new struggle and trial I go through I discover a new piece of myself.

I know that I have become prepared for whatever the future holds. I know that through the trials and excruciatingly painful times I have become someone who can survive. The more hard times I go through and the harder life becomes the easier it is...  does that make sense? The harder life had become for me, the more difficult my circumstances became I felt it was easier and easier to survive. I felt that as I fought harder to live and to find reasons to live it became easier to do so, even though the situations rarely, if ever, improved. It's like... Training for a marathon. When you first start out it's exhausting and so hard to even walk the distance... But as you become stronger you eventually become able to run for longer than a marathon... With enough training marathons become easy.

In the LDS church, we believe that after this life we continue to grow and progress. We believe that you can become like God. Can you just imagine what someone like us would have to do to even approach what God is? Can you even imagine what God did to become who he is? What kind of person is needed to control that much power and to do it with love and compassion... What do you think God needs to see from us to trust us with that? I Believe that he needs to see that we can do this. We can survive the relatively small a amount of time we have here. He needs to see that we can run the marathon before he asks is to take on more responsibility. But he promises to help... He promised us that there will be nothing given to us that we cannot handle... With his help.

So of course we all know that life is hard! We're all going through it! But isn't it great that it is?

Who am I?

"Who are you?" I've been asked that question on more than one occasion. In church, at job interviews, by my students, even in the privacy of my own mind. I'm always stunned by what answers that I come up with during different times in my life. What I would have answered as a teenager, to what I would have said right after my husband died, to now has changed so drastically. There are many things that I can write in list form of who I am right now:

I am...

• Kind
• Hard working
• a daughter
• a sister
• a widow
• a teacher
• a friend
• a math lover
• attractive
• silly
• adventurous
• a survivor
• intelligent
• funny
• Child of God
• a good listener

I didn't become all those things over night.

Many years ago in high school I would have thought I was alright with myself... That I was frustrating to people.. That I was depressed... That self harm was ok... I would have told you what I was going to accomplish by the time I was 25. I would have told you that the church was important. But, in my heart, not felt a word of it... 

Then in college my life plan changed.. I fell in love. I started to feel as though I was worth something, but only because someone else thought so of me. I was young and naive, I made many mistakes. But I was standing with my husband through everything. We were not the most active in church, but we both believed it. We had our struggles, but I thought everything was alright. We were growing and learning together right?

Shortly after leaving college, and I was near the end of student teaching, my whole life fell apart. I found out my husband had cheated on me, he committed suicide, and I discovered I never really felt confident in my self-worth. I believed in my heart it was my fault, even though I knew in my mind that it wasn't. I tried for a while to stay active with my church and to come closer to god... But the more depressed I got the more impossible that became. I would literally wake up some mornings just crying because of the pain in my heart. I started to cut again. I pulled away from everything I knew and I started to rediscover everything in my world while slowly tearing myself apart. I would tell myself I was worthless. That no one could possibly really love me. All I really was to anyone was an annoying charity case that wasn't getting better. That everyone was slowly getting over Todd's death, they would surely get over mine. I convinced myself several times that it would be worth killing myself... I would be with Todd or I wouldn't, but it would finally be over. No one would need to worry about me anymore...

I found that God had another plan for me. Every time I had a plan to end everything, something or someone would remind me I need to keep trying. During this time the quote came to mind and became a reality in my everyday life: 

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

I slowly came back to myself. I wrote down page after page of things about myself that I believed were good. I woke up every day trying to find who I was without my husband. I built myself from the ground up making sure that I was stronger and that my foundation was sturdy. I humbled myself and went to the temple again. I found peace, home, love, comfort, and best of all I found Todd was waiting for me there. As I came closer to my savior I could feel the bond I had with my husband become stronger. I started to be happy again. I started to build bridges and made new friends. I found peace and comfort in the fact that everything I was i could thank God for not letting me end it all before I could become who I am now.

So who am I? I am Shaelynn Allen Yeates. I am made up of my experiences and I am defined by my choices. I am a child of my heavenly father who I try to follow daily. I am just another person on this earth defining my place and my impact that I will leave behind.