Finding joy

By life being hard I find joy in every moment! I know what it's like to be at the bottom. I've been there I've faced the darkest parts of my mind that tell me how utterly worthless and useless I am. I know what it's like to feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is only a train coming to crush whatever hope and fight you had left. I know what it's like to think that no matter how many tomorrows there are it will never make up for how bad it is right now...

Right after my husband's death I lost all confidence in myself. I wanted so badly to just be with him. I felt ugly, unwanted, and so stupid. He had cheated on me... There must have been a reason... He killed himself, I must be to blame somehow.  What was so wrong with me? What was the point to all this struggle and trial. My friends didn't want to deal with me, my depression, how pathetic I was becoming. No one wanted to deal with stupid pathetic me. Everything was dark in my world, all that had once been was muted. Even though I was grateful I felt nothing, or I felt immense pain.

But I learned. I learned that even though I might not be happy, I can still feel joy. How incredible is that? The ability to feel joy and peace when the storm rages all around you! I can find joy in those struggles knowing I made it through so many yesterdays. I can find peace in knowing I can make it yet another day, even if I need to take it one breath at a time. I can find peace in the scriptures and the words of God. I can find joy in the knowledge that I am a daughter of a God and king.

My road to this peace and joy has not been an easy one. It never is, for anyone. For my journey, I started out hating myself, feeling empty, and wishing it would all just end. I had to claw my way back to any semblance of normal, let alone feeling peace or joy. That slowly came back into my life as I turned to my savior and I started to turn towards myself. I was challenged by a friend (Who also struggled with self-doubt and suicidal tendencies) to write one journal page a day of things that meet these requirements:

• It must be something positive about myself
• It must be something I haven't yet written
• It must be something I believed, not something I've already dismissed as people being nice
• Must be a full journal page (approximately 32 things a day)

This lasted about 2 weeks, but do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with 32 unique things about yourself? After about 64 they get super detailed.

I went from believing this:

To believing this:

Stronger than most
Wants best for others
Good hand writing
Analytical thinker...

The difference was almost instant. I felt better about myself. I moved forward I felt more confident... I worked so hard and I had come so far and I remembered for a moment to look back, to see how far I'd come. I now find joy in the beauty of my mind. I find joy in the simple way the clouds look in the morning or how the flowers still bloom. I find joy and peace in the way the world seems so calm when looking at the stars. I love this new profound sense of beauty that came from taking a few days in my life to realize that I was pretty incredible. I had forgotten that, it was nice to remember.

Now to my readers. Do you know how incredible you are? Do you know that you are a child of a God, who is always willing to stand by you? He wants to help give you the strength you feel you lack. If you don't feel God's presence, then take a moment. Take up the challenge. Tell yourself all the things you do that you like, even if it's just one thing.You have the power to make that grow. You are strong; otherwise you wouldn't be here. You are incredible! Thank you so much for being you! I hope that you can find this joy and settling peace in your life. I promise it's there, I promise you can find it!