Who am I?

"Who are you?" I've been asked that question on more than one occasion. In church, at job interviews, by my students, even in the privacy of my own mind. I'm always stunned by what answers that I come up with during different times in my life. What I would have answered as a teenager, to what I would have said right after my husband died, to now has changed so drastically. There are many things that I can write in list form of who I am right now:

I am...

• Kind
• Hard working
• a daughter
• a sister
• a widow
• a teacher
• a friend
• a math lover
• attractive
• silly
• adventurous
• a survivor
• intelligent
• funny
• Child of God
• a good listener

I didn't become all those things over night.

Many years ago in high school I would have thought I was alright with myself... That I was frustrating to people.. That I was depressed... That self harm was ok... I would have told you what I was going to accomplish by the time I was 25. I would have told you that the church was important. But, in my heart, not felt a word of it... 

Then in college my life plan changed.. I fell in love. I started to feel as though I was worth something, but only because someone else thought so of me. I was young and naive, I made many mistakes. But I was standing with my husband through everything. We were not the most active in church, but we both believed it. We had our struggles, but I thought everything was alright. We were growing and learning together right?

Shortly after leaving college, and I was near the end of student teaching, my whole life fell apart. I found out my husband had cheated on me, he committed suicide, and I discovered I never really felt confident in my self-worth. I believed in my heart it was my fault, even though I knew in my mind that it wasn't. I tried for a while to stay active with my church and to come closer to god... But the more depressed I got the more impossible that became. I would literally wake up some mornings just crying because of the pain in my heart. I started to cut again. I pulled away from everything I knew and I started to rediscover everything in my world while slowly tearing myself apart. I would tell myself I was worthless. That no one could possibly really love me. All I really was to anyone was an annoying charity case that wasn't getting better. That everyone was slowly getting over Todd's death, they would surely get over mine. I convinced myself several times that it would be worth killing myself... I would be with Todd or I wouldn't, but it would finally be over. No one would need to worry about me anymore...

I found that God had another plan for me. Every time I had a plan to end everything, something or someone would remind me I need to keep trying. During this time the quote came to mind and became a reality in my everyday life: 

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

I slowly came back to myself. I wrote down page after page of things about myself that I believed were good. I woke up every day trying to find who I was without my husband. I built myself from the ground up making sure that I was stronger and that my foundation was sturdy. I humbled myself and went to the temple again. I found peace, home, love, comfort, and best of all I found Todd was waiting for me there. As I came closer to my savior I could feel the bond I had with my husband become stronger. I started to be happy again. I started to build bridges and made new friends. I found peace and comfort in the fact that everything I was i could thank God for not letting me end it all before I could become who I am now.

So who am I? I am Shaelynn Allen Yeates. I am made up of my experiences and I am defined by my choices. I am a child of my heavenly father who I try to follow daily. I am just another person on this earth defining my place and my impact that I will leave behind.