The puzzle piece that doesn't fit

There has probably been at least one moment for you when you felt like you didn't exactly "fit". Whether it was in high school, starting a new job, at a church, in your own family, or in the world in general. Sometimes it's wonderful that you don't fit! You stand out and are the beautiful rose among thorns. You are a light in the darkness. Other times, however, it feels more like being an outsider. You might be a weed in the garden, a swan among ducklings. You feel as though you're intruding, unwanted, or just utterly alone surrounded by millions of people. It's this that I'm talking about when I say I don't fit, this is how I find my place...

I was talking with a friend one night and I told her how I feel like I don't fit... I don't fit in the singles ward in my church, but I don't fit in the family ward. I don't fit with people my age and I don't fit with the older or younger generations either. I don't fit with the widows with kids, the widows of war heroes, or with the divorcés. I don't fit with the seasoned teachers and I don't fit with the newbies... I just don't fit. I don't have that calm reassurance that everything fits together, that I fit in this crazy unpredictable world. The peace that used to fill my days and nights no longer surrounds me... Why? Because a piece of my soul is gone from where he should be. Instead of holding the small children that should be in my arms; I'm left clasping my hands in prayer begging for normalcy.

As I try to see where I fit, especially with dating, I discover all the places where I would have fit... But because I have a past I'm not even given the chance to fit. I'm left wandering from hole to hole on the puzzle, hoping that one day I'll find that place where my puzzle piece will fit nicely. Until that day that I can be reunited with my other piece; when I can fit perfectly into the place God had been preparing for me since the beginning of my soul. So instead of places where I fit perfectly, I find places where I can fit. It may be tough going, but finding the places where I can have fun, I can be myself. Those are the moments when all the trying is worth it.

I have also started to discover that I am not a corner piece or a side piece where there are limited choices and the structure set. I am a middle piece with many different facets and parts that define me and who I am. Sometimes that means that the place where I am meant to fit hasn't been filled in yet and is just a blank canvas and I need to create or find the pieces that go around me to fill it. In life, when we don't fit we try new things; meet new people; interact more with coworkers, family, etc. so that we do fit. I slowly shape myself by changing and going through life, adapting, becoming better, and just overall becoming who I am meant to be. I also change the situations around me by talking with others creating relationships, getting help when I need it, going on adventures, literally changing where I'm at. I do all of this so that I can better help shape the world (and the puzzle) for the better filling in those blank spaces with joy, happiness, inclusion, and hard work.

I try puzzle piece after puzzle piece to find the ones that will match my corners and ridges. As one puzzle piece of a whole, I find it difficult and overwhelming sometimes, but it's ALWAYS worth it! Occasionally I find pieces that fit one side or another. I find friends, jobs, coworkers, puppies, houses, neighborhoods, wards, etc. that all fit with who I want to become. Other times I find pieces I want to fit and I change myself (or my puzzle piece) so that I can add that to my life. I might not fit all that I want to just yet, but one day I will... and when that day happens I will find that this hard part of my life helped define and give me the strength to get there. I have hope, I have determination, and I have the willpower to make that happen.

That's just it isn't it? The fact that I still have hope. I don't give up. The fact that I keep trying my puzzle piece in spot after spot in the puzzle, trying to match up my sides with others, not giving up just because the last 200 haven't worked. I have hope because I know that God has a plan for me, I know that one day everything will fit. This plan is essential for me to have hope, and for you to have hope in those dark moments. It gives you that peace that you long for and the strength to keep trying your puzzle piece. When the day happens for me, when everything finally fits together, I will know it's because I didn't give up when it was hard, even if I wanted to. So what are you going to do? How are you going to find the strength to persevere through the loneliness and hard times? What pieces have you found that do fit? Where are you going to place your puzzle piece in this crazy world?

Who am I?

"Who are you?" I've been asked that question on more than one occasion. In church, at job interviews, by my students, even in the privacy of my own mind. I'm always stunned by what answers that I come up with during different times in my life. What I would have answered as a teenager, to what I would have said right after my husband died, to now has changed so drastically. There are many things that I can write in list form of who I am right now:

I am...

• Kind
• Hard working
• a daughter
• a sister
• a widow
• a teacher
• a friend
• a math lover
• attractive
• silly
• adventurous
• a survivor
• intelligent
• funny
• Child of God
• a good listener

I didn't become all those things over night.

Many years ago in high school I would have thought I was alright with myself... That I was frustrating to people.. That I was depressed... That self harm was ok... I would have told you what I was going to accomplish by the time I was 25. I would have told you that the church was important. But, in my heart, not felt a word of it... 

Then in college my life plan changed.. I fell in love. I started to feel as though I was worth something, but only because someone else thought so of me. I was young and naive, I made many mistakes. But I was standing with my husband through everything. We were not the most active in church, but we both believed it. We had our struggles, but I thought everything was alright. We were growing and learning together right?

Shortly after leaving college, and I was near the end of student teaching, my whole life fell apart. I found out my husband had cheated on me, he committed suicide, and I discovered I never really felt confident in my self-worth. I believed in my heart it was my fault, even though I knew in my mind that it wasn't. I tried for a while to stay active with my church and to come closer to god... But the more depressed I got the more impossible that became. I would literally wake up some mornings just crying because of the pain in my heart. I started to cut again. I pulled away from everything I knew and I started to rediscover everything in my world while slowly tearing myself apart. I would tell myself I was worthless. That no one could possibly really love me. All I really was to anyone was an annoying charity case that wasn't getting better. That everyone was slowly getting over Todd's death, they would surely get over mine. I convinced myself several times that it would be worth killing myself... I would be with Todd or I wouldn't, but it would finally be over. No one would need to worry about me anymore...

I found that God had another plan for me. Every time I had a plan to end everything, something or someone would remind me I need to keep trying. During this time the quote came to mind and became a reality in my everyday life: 

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

I slowly came back to myself. I wrote down page after page of things about myself that I believed were good. I woke up every day trying to find who I was without my husband. I built myself from the ground up making sure that I was stronger and that my foundation was sturdy. I humbled myself and went to the temple again. I found peace, home, love, comfort, and best of all I found Todd was waiting for me there. As I came closer to my savior I could feel the bond I had with my husband become stronger. I started to be happy again. I started to build bridges and made new friends. I found peace and comfort in the fact that everything I was i could thank God for not letting me end it all before I could become who I am now.

So who am I? I am Shaelynn Allen Yeates. I am made up of my experiences and I am defined by my choices. I am a child of my heavenly father who I try to follow daily. I am just another person on this earth defining my place and my impact that I will leave behind.